gnome surgery...

ouch! when i was getting out of the dead sea the other day, i slipped on the wet floor. well, long story short, i broke both legs. clean off. this definitely brought a damper to the trip, and i had to seek out emergency medical attention. annette, trained extensively in gnome surgery, rushed out to get the necessary supplies. then, rahima helped create a sterile environment in which to perform the surgery.

gnome (from the knees up)?
check.
gnome (from the knees down)?
check.
sugical mask made from a blue plastic bag and piece of string?
check.
superglue?
check.
black sharpie?
check.

it's go time.








and humpty dumpty was back together again.

Doing my thing in Vatican City

well, the other day i escaped from the girl's again. that devil's brew really caught up with them this time, and all they wanted to do was sleep, so off I went in the wee hours of the morning to enjoy my day and see the sights. i managed to figure out rome's metro system and wandered over to vatican city. As i got into st. peter's square, i took some time to people watch and feed the pigeons. it was so relaxing to just be in the sun. you have to watch out for those pigeons though, they can be quite dangerous to someone my size. after a few close calls, i made the executive decision to move indoors to the basilica, where pigeons aren't allowed.

once inside I was immediately overcome by the need to repent. (yes, that is me on the left.) i thought long and hard about the things i've done, and the choices i've made. now, in all of my many years i haven't ever really "found" a religion, per se, but this whole catholic thing intrigued me. what a great religion. you can do what you want, then step into a little wooden box, pull a purple curtain closed, tell a priest what you've done wrong, and presto! you're forgiven. i thought i should give this a try. so in i went to confess my sins. afterwards, i sure did feel better. clean slate.

after confession, i went over to the vatican city post office. since they are their own sovereign nation, they have their own postal system. so i bought a post card to send to "Post Secret" to anonymously share one of my secrets with the world. as i gave the postcard a final push into its little yellow post box, i sighed deeply...and tried not to fall in myself. why do they put those so high up? you would think the city of God would have made more thoughtful allowances for people of all sizes. maybe i should have sent a postcard directly to the Pope saying so.



so a metro trip back to the center of rome led me to the colosseum. it was fantastic to see the tunnels where they used to lead the animals and gladiators around before bringing them up to the center of the arena for battle. there were some guys dressed up as gladiators outside of the colosseum who you could take your picture with...for 5 euros. i said, "5 euros! i'm a gnome! you should be paying me 5 euros to have your picture taken with me." they didn't really appreciate my comment and threatened me with their fake swords and suits of armor. seeing as how i am not as young as i used to be, i decided against a roman street fight and headed back to the hostel. next time though, i'll kick their fake gladiator butts...

italy (at least what i remember of it)

well, after traveling with these girls for about 4 months, i decided that i should have my own blog. i didn´t even think it was worth it initially because most of what i saw was the darkness within annette´s smelly backpack. but she has been bringing me out more, so i guess i can share my experiences with those out there who care to listen.

we spent about a week in le cinque terre in italy and i saw a lot while i was there. more than i will be able to talk about, simply because i am scared of what they will do to me if i spill the beans. but i can share with you one night that starts out pleasant enough, but really becomes quite hazy. the hedonistic, diablolical girls introduced me to alcohol again by just leaving it lying around (i have been sober for thr past 160 years), but the pressure was killing me. seriously, spending so much
time with them requires some kind of escape. so please don´t judge me. i wouldn´t judge you.

i started my morning innocently enough, preparing a nice cup of espresso before i ventured out on the hiking trails of le cinque terre. i like my coffee black because it keeps that hair on my beard nice and bristly.

after coming back from my walk, i was famished so i decided to whip up a delicious pasta dish. i love to cook and considering that i had not eaten in months (damn girls!), i really needed something in my belly. one of the cooks in the house, paul, bought a cookbook for his mom so i decided to peruse it and see what i could put together.

i found a recipe for a delicious bolognese sauce, but it required a touch of basil, so i decided to pick a few leaves from the plant lying around the house.


while the food was cooking, paul invited me to play an italian card game called briscola. i figured what the heck; i am always down to play a card game and relax a bit so i accepted his offer.

sadly, i was soon to regret my choice because paul turned out to be one of the most competitive people i have ever met. each time he won, he would slam down the card roughly and yell "BRISCOLA!". what an ass.

as you can imagine, such rudeness can put a lot of stress on a small gnome like me. that, combined with the fact that my meat sauce burned because i wasn´t allowed to leave the table until the game was over, led me to seek comfort somewhere. i was going to just go for a walk to cool off a bit, but instead i saw a tall grappa bottle in my way. my intention was to just move it, but the sweet, pungent smell of rotting grapes filled my nostrils, and i had no choice. what am i supposed to do?!? i have a disease!

i figured just one sip would do the trick, but sadly one sip led to 10 sips and then the grappa was done. but i needed more!!! i had to go for the bottle of wine and then the other and the other and...

then darkness...somehow i awoke the next morning in a pile of my own sick without a friend to help me at all...but i swear that is the last of the drinking. i will never, ever drink the devil´s brew again. never! i swear!